In Khârn we trust! No heresy!
by Skulls' Laughing
Summary: Starring the second greatest guy in existence: Khârn!  the greatest guy is Nurgle, his arms are made for hugz  Khârn is sent by Khorne to replace Master Chief in Halo. Ensue for massive Khârny greatness!  and blood


Disclaimer: I own nothing, after all, a great guy like Khârn belongs to everyone. Even Abbadon thinks that Khârn is a great guy, everyone likes him.

In fact, Khârn is not even afraid to change up things, for example, he tried a guardsman armor and lasgun on, we had such a great time with Khârn.

_As I always say, Khârn the Betrayer was pretty fun to be around, and contrary to popular belief he actually had a sense of humor as well. Probably the best example was in the middle of the campaign during a sweeping of an Imperial Guard command post, with Khorne Berserkers and our Red Rivers company marching directly into the defensive fire. The closer we got, the more apparent it became that the only thing holding the Guardsmen together was a grizzled looking Commissar in full uniform, one gun turned on us and another firing on any of his men who looked like running. _

_Khârn was at the tip of the assault, and so he got to the Commissar first, plucking the screaming officer up by the neck and holding him over his head. _

_Then, out of nowhere one of the other berserkers grabs the Commissar's legs and roars "MAKE A WISH!". Well, as you can imagine everyone on both sides forgets about the fight, and watches Khârn and this other Khorne-worshiping marine just start pulling on this Commissar at both ends, the old man screaming out oaths and curses like you wouldn't believe! You could almost hear the sound of flesh tearing and bone snapping over the cheering. _

_Then, Khârn just let go. Totally not expecting it and pulling with all his might, the Khorne Berserker just falls backwards and starts tumbling with the near dead Commissar into a damaged hellhound, his armor grating off it and sparking! _

_Well, after the explosion we all turned back to Khârn, who had managed to keep a hold of the Commissar's fancy hat. Ol' Khârn put it on, and damned if it wasn't the funniest thing any of us had ever seen... till he turned to us and bellowed "I'M THE NEW COMMISSAR" at us. _

_They tell me five thousand traitor guardsmen died that day before someone could take that hat off him. _

_What a kidder! _

* * *

"Khârn, in admiration for your skill in battle and...ah who am I kidding, for being the great guy you are, I have decided to let you raze a little in a fictional game called 'Halo' or some crap.

"Basically it's about some weak space marine parody which manages to save the universe from a funny tyranid infestation.

"Since I'd love to see how they react to your badassery, I am sending you to replace the main protagonist of the game, a guy called "Mastur Cheef"...or something."

Khârn, having barely listened and instead spent his (agonizingly long) freetime with caressing and talking soothingly to his deamon-infested chain-axe Gorechild.

Khorne just sighs happily at this adoring sight, but then quickly reminded himself of his brazen attitude, bellowing "KHÂRN! SKULLZ 'N BLOODZ!" which brought Khârn quickly to attention, looking at Khorne with something that could only be described as puppy-eyes.

"...just have fun, ok?"

Khârn nodded happily, and went into the direction Khorne gestured to.

* * *

"Cortana, have we lost them?"

"I suppose we both know the answer."

"That was a blind jump..." said Keyes, the captain of the UNSC frigate _Pillar of Autumn_

"The covenant are closing in sir, shall I begin to direct the defenses, even though I should have begun with that when we still had what, hours of time instead of about one and a half minute, since we are, you know, at war?"

"I like the way you think Cortana, however, we should make this fair for the covenant, order the marines to replace the armor suits made out of God's beard (courtesy of Lord Mandalore) with the crappy reserve armor we have in store...oh and they are only allowed to use the crappy assault rifles, not magnums.

"Oh, and they are only allowed to use one-liners that are at least 30 years old."

"Everyone, sir?"

"Everyone...someone give me an unloaded gun to give to Master Chief so that he can protect himself...almost forgot: are the invincible marines, who were originally ment to be humanity's greatest hope, but since they weren't manly enough they were discarded, ready yet?"

* * *

"Wow!" Said the lowly worker as he saw the permission written on his surprisingly old looking computer...thing.

His subordinate, looking surprisingly just like him, the one only distinguishable from the other by the colour of their suits, set to work while his peer went down to greet the last hope of humanity.

The cryotube, its watchglasses completely obscured by the thick smoke of the melting nitrogen, slowly opened with a series of hisses, and both workers held their breaths as they were about to set their eyes onto humanity's greatest hope, waiting for his professional and stoic green form to appear and...

"BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!"

Instead of a green armored seven feet tall silent superhuman giant, a monstrous nine feet tall red armoured behemoth, screaming at the top of his lungs, stormed out of the cryotube, smashed the confused worker to bits with a monstrous head-butt and stormed forward.

Completely disregarding the opened door, Khârn just stormed through the solid wall right beside it "SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE!"

Practically carving through one wall after another he quickly passed several rooms, looking for anything with a skull. Suddenly a seven feet tall blue armored squid faced alienly...alien stepped into Khârn's straight path through the ship's interior, only to be simply run over and smashed into bloody bits by Khârn's massive feet.

Khârn, hearing the familiar sound of a battle nearby, immediately turned around, the still living elite under his feet, and continued his crazed work of destruction, the poor elite dangling behind him, connected to the many brazen decorational spikes on Khârn's armoured boots via what seemed to be its spine.

A few seconds later, Khârn deliberately crashed into a battle between some marines, elites and their ape-like grunts.

Khârn set immediately for the elites, which grunted tauntingly as they caught side of Khârn's mammoth form, as he squashed deliberately through the countless grunts, their high-pitched screams bellowing over the ongoing battle, while the elites slowly realized that they were just about to grasp the meaning of the word 'demon'.

Gorechild screamed in ecstasy as the daemonic-infused chain-axe cut through the armored bulks of the elites like butter, teeth-filled maws opened on each side of the unholy-weapons, eel-like tongues lashed out, eagerly drinking both blood and soul, Khârn screamed happily in an equal manner.

Bringing up his head in a monstrous head-butt, his spike-adorned helmet only increasing the intended effect, struck another elite down to the ground, only to have his skull crushed in by Khârns stomping foot, purple life fluid smearing all over the floor.

"BLOOD! BLOOD! GIVE ME MORE BLOOD!"

Shooting a squid-face into its opened mandibles with his plasma pistol, its face disappearing in a cloud of white-blue fire, Khârn cut into another elite with Gorechild, the monomolecular teeth of the chain-axe eating their way through the armour and more easily through the flesh, the axe itself screaming and laughing like a maniac.

"LET THE LIFE-FLUID HIT THE FLOOR!"

Another head-butt slammed an elite directly into the opposite wall, the sterile white instantly stained by the purple blood of the sangheili warrior.

"KHORNE WILL HAVE HIS BLOODSPILL!"

The elites were all dead, leaving the low grunts leaderless...not that they would have attacked this raging avatar of fury and war even if they had been ordered to.

Logical conclusion: The grunts showed the, for their race, typical lack of spine, broke squad and turned away screaming, running for their lifes.

Khârn, absolutely _hating_ cowards who dared not to participate in the fun of murder and slaughter, became even more enraged than physically possible, some grunts actually turning insane by just looking at him, even shooting themselves as they were unable to stand the sight of this monster.

"EVEN IF THIS BLOOD IS MINE!"

Khârn smashed into the screaming grunts with unbelievable speed, brought down both his hands, using his plasma pistol like a club, Gorechild happily screaming for blood.

The UNSC marines, long having stopped shooting, just stared at the monstrous behemoth in unbelief, wide-eyed.

Khârn on the other hand had never experienced such fun in the entire ten thousands of years in his life, as he picked up several grunts and threw them with the force of a rocket launcher at their mates, resulting in said grunts literally flying through walls and, in some cases, even through the ship's outer hull.

But even the greatest fun just had to stop, as the last grunt finally went down, he comitted suicide.

But Khârn wasn't finished yet, it seemed "BLOOD! BLOOD! I WANT MORE BLOOD!" The eyes behind the lenses of his armour began to frantically search for something new to kill, to tear apart.

His eyes fell onto the UNSC marines.

Howling like the madman he was, Khârn immediately began charging, the marines realizing that they had only a few seconds left to live, turned around and ran for the massive security doors of the hangar-bay

...yes I had said that Khârn had simply run through several walls, so he could be anywhere right now, right?

* * *

Davenko had never been a very...bright marine, which was the foremost reason that he was the last to begin running as the blood-red armored behemoth began charging at them, literally screaming bloody murder.

Which was the foremost reason that he was the last to arrive at the door, just as it closed directly in front of him, his 'comrades' leaving him to die. With fearful eyes he turned around to see the- the- the Spartan approach him slowly, the, by all intents and purposes, monstrous frame towering above him, both broader and taller.

He looked into the eye-pieces of his death, followed with his own eyes the movements of the trunk-like legs, the glint of the light on the blood- and viscera-stained armour, expected how the beast would cut him in two with thise strange screaming axe-thing.

"APRIL FOOL'S!" irritated, Davenko watched how the monster in front of him shook of massive laughter, becoming louder and louder.

It was contagious, Davenko started laughing too, it was a great joke after all!

* * *

Author's note: this story will be gradually processed, it could be a little slow however. All my other stories are on hiatus, not for this particular story here howver, but for a project I have been working on for a while now.  
That project, I do not give any info about, and it will be only released (no release date either, as any chapter will be further reworked with each day), in full. So it can take a few months.

After that project, I will rework all my older stories.


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